so

i'm deciding what to say tonight, since it's been such an eventful week dissertation-wise and other-wise. this is going to become more than just a dissertation blong...

yes, i said blong.

the things is, that the closer i get to saying exactly what i think i need to say, the more layers of b.s. i have to sift through to get myself to actually sit down and say it. and having the therapeutic revelation that i really can move past approaching everything in my life as a problem was superswell, but it now makes me want to just sit down, hang out, be satisfied. i.e. if i can do what i want, choose the sort of person i want to be in every moment, i totally want to be the person who eats sugary carbs but stays within her points limit, and watches lots of satisfying tv, because who wouldn't?

ahem, so anyway.

i am not satisfied with that.

there is nothing good nor bad but thinking makes it so.

the things about the chapter at this stage is that i am so damn close, i can taste and smell it, it's delicious and safe and healthy and all other good things a solid chapter should be. so i should just sit tight and finish in, yeah? yeah. just to finish. because i so do totally want to do that. i couldn't be satisfied if i didn't. and i want to be the kind of person who does things she tries, who does things well, who is myself.

i got what andrea and others have said about "the violence of the subject" when driving around town today--to subject myself to the violence of "i will shape my soul to be this person today" is fairly stupidly aggressive, even if it's an aggression i love, support, and benefit from. but this is the solid truthful use of aggression.

i will type up my notes now.